I woke up on my 32nd birthday, looked in the mirror, and realized I looked exactly like a crumpled paper bag that had been smoothed out by a very tired person. It wasn’t just the hangover from the night before. There were these new, permanent little lines around my eyes that weren’t there during the Obama administration. My skin looked gray. Not like ‘distinguished silver fox’ gray, but ‘I haven’t seen a vegetable or a full night’s sleep since 2019’ gray.
I tried to ignore it for a while, but then I had this disastrous date at a Thai restaurant in 2017—wait, I was 29 then, so maybe it started earlier. Anyway, I had used this 10% benzoyl peroxide wash because I had one zit, and by the time the pad thai arrived, my skin was literally peeling off in giant white flakes into my spicy noodles. It was humiliating. I looked like I was shedding my human suit. That was the moment I realized that ‘soap and water’ wasn’t a routine; it was a slow-motion car crash for my face.
The stuff that actually matters (and the stuff that is a total lie)
I’ve spent exactly $1,422 on skincare products since 2021. I tracked it in a spreadsheet because I’m a nerd like that. After testing 14 different serums and about 8 different moisturizers, I’ve realized that 90% of the ‘Men’s’ section in the drugstore is garbage. Most of it is just the women’s formula but with more alcohol, charcoal that does nothing, and a ‘Forest Musk’ scent that makes you smell like a cheap candle from a clearance rack.
What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. You don’t need a ‘men’s’ brand. You just need chemistry that works. Here is the only routine you actually need if you’re in your 30s and starting to panic about your forehead:
- A gentle cleanser: Stop using the 3-in-1 body wash on your face. It’s basically industrial degreaser. Get CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser or something similar.
- Vitamin C (Morning): This is the stuff that makes you look less gray. It’s like a cup of coffee for your skin tone.
- Moisturizer with SPF: If you don’t wear sunscreen, you might as well just set your money on fire. The sun is the reason you look 45 when you’re 34.
- Retinol (Night): This is the heavy lifter. Retinol is like a construction crew that only works at night and occasionally breaks things before fixing them.
I know people will disagree with me on this, but I honestly think washing your face in the morning is optional. If you washed it at night and you didn’t sweat through your sheets, just splash some water on it. Over-washing is a fast track to irritation. Most ‘experts’ will tell you to wash twice a day, but they’re usually trying to sell you more soap. Total lie.
I used to think eye creams were essential. I was completely wrong. They are just tiny, overpriced jars of regular moisturizer. Don’t waste your money.
The part where I tell you why I hate Kiehl’s
I might be wrong about this, but I refuse to recommend Kiehl’s to anyone. I know, I know—it’s the ‘cool’ brand that every guy buys when he first decides to care about his face. But every time I use their stuff, I break out or end up looking like I wiped my face with a slice of pepperoni pizza. It’s basically expensive lard in a nice bottle. I’ve bought their Facial Fuel four times because I wanted to like it, but I finally had to admit: it’s mediocre. There, I said it. It’s overpriced and the branding does more work than the ingredients.
I’ve found that the boring, French pharmacy brands—the ones with the names that are hard to pronounce like La Roche-Posay—actually do the job. I tested their Cicaplast Balm for 42 days straight during a dry winter in Chicago, and my skin stayed hydrated even when the wind felt like it was trying to peel my face off. It’s not sexy, but it works.
The “I’m tired” protocol for the 3 a.m. nights
Look, we’re in our 30s. We have jobs, maybe kids, or just a very dedicated relationship with a PlayStation. You’re going to have nights where you’re too exhausted to do a ‘routine.’ On those nights, just do the Retinol. If you skip everything else, don’t skip that. I tracked my forehead wrinkles for 6 months using a macro lens on my phone (yes, I know how that sounds), and the only time I saw a measurable difference in depth was when I was consistent with a 0.5% retinol.
One more thing: drink more water. I hate being the guy who says ‘hydration is key,’ but if you’re dehydrated, your skin looks like a deflated balloon. No amount of $80 serum can fix a lack of basic biological maintenance.
I also have a theory—and this is the part where a corporate editor would probably fire me—that men who use those 10-step Korean skincare routines are just using it as a coping mechanism for a lack of control in their lives. You don’t need ten steps. You need four. Anything more than that is just a hobby, not hygiene.
Keep it simple. Stop buying the charcoal stuff. Wear the damn sunscreen.
I still catch myself looking in the mirror and seeing my father’s face staring back at me. It’s a weird feeling, realizing the ‘young version’ of you is officially a historical figure. I don’t know if any of this actually stops time, or if we’re all just trying to negotiate a better deal with the inevitable. But I do know that I don’t flake into my noodles anymore, and that feels like a win. Is it worth the effort? I honestly don’t know. But I’ll keep doing it anyway.
